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 celeni's Cancer BlogAugust 24, 2008
I have only witnessed what this cancer can do to someone Cancer…the reluctance of celebrating good news because of the worry of “what is going to happen next”. The disease that makes you want to be invisible…that can make you avoid eye contact with others in the hope of not being “noticed.” Is it that you dont want others to see the weakness,pain or sadness in your eyes? I can not even imagine how every aspect of life changes after someone is diagnosed with cancer…even ordinary things that we all do on a daily basis might now be looked upon as something we took for granted. Going for a walk…working in the yard…playfully wrestling around with a loved one and laughing uncontrollably…now all takes effort…and can be so physically taxing….if even possible at all. What gives some people the hope,strength and determination needed in these sobering times? I wish I had the answer for my boyfriend..and for every one in this world that has cancer…and for the people who love and support them. I want Wes to know that I love him…and that I support him…I want to be there for him but sometimes I dont know how. I know we cant turn back time…but we can cherish what time we all have left together because none of us, cancer or not, are guaranteed TIME. I want to support his decisions on treatments…because it is HIS quality of life. At this moment…although we are apart in distance…I want to lay beside you…feel your arms around me…feel your heart beating and the rise of your chest…and look into your eyes to see if I can catch just a glimpse of that sparkle that I love so much.
Posted on August 24, 2008 at 7:42:45 PM by celeni (
 Does cancer make you want to be invisible?,  2 comments)
August 18, 2008
Last week Wes went to his oncologist to hear the latest on the MRI he took last week. The main tunor is the lung has shrunk 30%! Hellooo…can you say Thank you God?! He came to spend the weekend with me after that great news. The first day he ran errands and rode his motorcylcle. The rest of the weekend he was down for the count. Tired…no energy…listless. I would have thought that he would have been on an up-swing. Besides the good news on his main tumor…he is into his 2nd week “post chemo”...which usually is his high point. I worry about him being depressed…his days mainly consist of laying around and watching tv. I guess I want to think that he would want to do much more…live life to its fullest on his good days. I asked him about checking out the local cancer support groups…to talk with people who KNOW what he is going through… who can share their experiences…who can give each other hope…and purpose.I also asked him to talk to his doctor about some anti-depressants…to see if that would help. He said he didnt think he was depressed…life is just not a lot of fun right now. Can anyone give me some advise or share experiences with cancer and depression? I sure would appreciate it. By the way…I got to “buzz” his head this weekend. He looks pretty darn good! I went for my 6 month today, I am clean and clear. Everyone else rejoiced. I went to the tattoo shop and asked Dave to draw me a revolver with one shell in it and a “C” on the cap, Russian Roulette style. I then grabbed 2 cold diet Cokes,went to the cemetery, and had one with my brother and cried like a baby. The groundsman gave me an odd look as I poured my brother a cold Coke. If I could explain this, @#** I would be rich. All I can say is give him a bit of space and be there if he crashes. If he wants to talk, you or he can send me a number @ rigidridr@yahoo.com. There is a long space between “Thank God” and facing day after day of “what next”. Hugs to you both Celeni! Please feel free to ask me anything, or just talk. I am happy to help out. I am also an R.N. so I have a little more insight and background. You are a wonderful person and that very handsome Wes is lucky to have you. I just shaved my head for the third time since this started. Each time it grows back I have another metastasis and have to go bald again. I do not look like a bike helmet. It is rather stylish. I thought I would be all bumpy headed, but I look damn good. I just have to be sure to wear some very nice earrings so I look like a girl. You and Wes are in my prayers. You are an angel and your love and care are providing such strength and healing to Wes. What a blessing you are. And yes, cancer does indeed suck! Celini; Caregiving is the hardest job of all and for that reason alone your cries for help have been answered by the dear friends on this blog. I just cried, after reading Gaile’s and Mac’s responses to you. I hope Wes is reading all of this so he knows how much we care about the both of you. No reason he should be sheltered from your thoughts, because that is what love is about, sharing your fears, working through the bad times. If one didn’t get depressed after hearing the news “You have Cancer” and then doing the tests, doing the treatment; then something is horribly wrong upstairs. I guess Wes is trying to work out his anger about the whole thing, and why he should feel happy at any news. We all deal differently to this BANG IN OUR BODY. Sounds like Gaile is the pro here and I would certainly go after the drug she is on. NO SIDE EFFECTS? Action is better than no action and I know you can help him to see there are ways of combating the loneliness and listlessness of his plight. Wes is one lucky man to have you by his side. He should know that much. Prayers and love and hope coming your way. Weezie Hmmm…I think with all the other crap they give us some antidepressants wouldn’t hurt to have. BUT, its not magic. I think a lot of people think that if they take these pills that they’ll be happy all the time…A support group is usually a good idea, too. One thing to keep in mind-sometimes you need a little “break” from this, and sometimes that break is zoning out in front of the tv. I went through it last week. Just a whole lot of nothing for a little while. Not feeling like you’ve got to do it now while you can. A little of just being a bum, and trying to ignore things. Its hard to explain. I hope that its what he’s experiencing, though. XOXO
August 3, 2008
Wes had his chemo again last Wednesday so needless to say we arent spending the weekend together. Yesterday and today he has been feeling pretty rough. Besides the usual neuropathy, he is aching in his bones from his thigh down and is having trouble even getting up and walking. I can hear the pain in his voice when we talked on the phone…I feel so helpless. CANCERC – Comes from out of nowhere… A- at a time in your life when you think you have conquered or managed to manuever around the obstacles in your path…or perhaps at a time when you are just beginning to live your life… N- noone can hide from this disease…only deal with the C- consequences that you are now faced with… E- everyone is effected…you…your friends and family R- reeling …with thoughts and well meaning…all wishing for a miracle from God. Sorry to hear about the pain and all. Tell Wes to get better and we will meet somewhere for a ride, next summer in the mountains, we will ride motorcycles and ogle women and drink beers, then come home and you and my wife can cook us dinner and tell us how handsome we are. Man! I love being a guy. Hugz to you both and God’s peace Dear Celeni; So sorry to hear of Wes’s pain. Can you do me a favour. If you click that you suppport me I will get your postings emailed to my email. I would like to keep updated and I rarely go to the general postings, only if I have a spare minute or two. I always like your words so much. There is nothing worse than bone pain for which I have been an expert at dodging the reality of it all. Bone scan on Wed. to see if indeed it is in my spine. Last scan showed no change either way so with the grace of the big buy up in the sky I am hoping that the result of this one is also no change. That would mean it is an old back injury and not related and mestasis from the breast. Still, with the hormonal drugs I am on it causes much bone pain so I feel like a little old woman on some days, where a crane would be the answer getting out of bed. HOpe you see Wes this week. Take care and keep the love. Weezie
July 27, 2008
My boyfriend hasnt been feeling worth a crap this weekend…but Mac, your comment brought a big ole…”That’s what I am talkin about Brutha!” out of him this morning. He thanks you for kickin up the testoterone level…and I have agreed to nix the idea. Peace! Celeni
Posted on July 27, 2008 at 7:27:04 AM by celeni (
My boyfriend thanks you Mac! Kotex idea is defunked, 0 comments)
July 26, 2008
Here in the south we, both men and women, are known for “hugging folks”. It doesnt matter if we saw them a week ago or a year ago…whether you are in the middle of a store or walking down the road. wear a sling (which he probably should do anyway but it is somewhat uncomfortable) try to be alert and maneuver his body in a way that would divert the “patting proccess” of the hug (this is difficult depending on how alert he might be from day to day) scream out “DONT TOUCH MY RIGHT SHOULDER!” which could make one paranoid and completely dismiss hugging him all together (which he doesnt want). Put either a big X in red tape on his clothing which involves too much thought and preparation when getting dressed everyday… and then I thought…AHA! Kotex! Do they still make the big “mattress size” Kotex like they did back in the day(40 years ago) when I first started blossoming into a young lady?? Back then there were no “glue strips” to hold them in position…the only way you could tame those puppies was to wear this elastic contraption (like a female jockstrap thingy) and hook the kotex in the front and back and HOPE it didnt ride up in either direction. I guess for you too young to remember…or for you guys that have no clue what I am talking about…think of it as a very unattractive,no frills, almost orthapedic, garter belt. Back to my great idea…if those things still exist…lets duct tape a few of them across his shoulder! Brilliant! How creative am I??? I go to share my great idea with Wes which includes hand gestures while explaining and details on the exact positioning for maximim protection…waiting for accolades on my ingenius idea. Well I am still waiting. I got a look…just a LOOK. The same look I got when I made him press my body weight with his legs to help his neuropathy. A caring look nontheless…a look that he knows I “mean well” combined with a touch of “does the elevator go to the top floor”. Oh well…back to the drawing board. God love him..and God love everyone who has this horrid disease and their families and loved ones. Later… Hi Wes wear the Kotex, No one will see them.The guy’s fighting over there wear them in the Helmet. And to protect the Computers parts, so the sand will not get into them. Just don’t get the ones that smell like flowers. Hug you two Hi there . Hug or not hug that is the question. The Subject is at hand. Let see how may comments that we can get out of this. I like to hug,family,friends and some times when meeting friends of friends. I always ask if it is all right. Yes women are more inclined to hug. I have a friend that is has been called by our Lord. Some times a hug, is all takes to let them know that you love them. You don’t have to say a word,they know. Hug’s Sherri All right, I have been supportive and such but this is a time when I must come to a brother’s aid. I am all good with the whole hug thing, as matter of fact I hug my brothers (the family I ride with) any time I see them. Not some homophobic side straddle hug either, I mean full on frontal man hugs, my belly is big enough that odd contact is not likely…another benefit to being a santaesque biker….I digress, sorry. So hugging is cool, but the whole cotton pony (kotex) for the shoulder is way out. Buy him shoulder pads or a pit bull or a neon orange sign something manly and threatening! The man is a biker for pity sake, NO NO NO panty pad for him! I feel better knowing I have stood in the gap for a brother. I will now retire for a nights rest in my favorite flowered sheets. Hehehehe… Love yaz
OMG, I certainly have to say that I really enjoyed reading your southern humor. Do I ever remember those horrible kotex and the strapies that was quite visiable through some clothing. UGH! You are so inspiring! Though, Mac came to your boyfriends rescue with his everlasting and enduring humor. Patty
Ok Guys I will take back my comment. Mac thanks for the come back. Toss those Pads… LOL. Hugs. Sherri Celeni; I just managed to go through last weeks postings and jumped here to respond. I too remember the belts and of course they would eventually loose their elasticity and then, well no explanation needed on that problem. You know I think there are shoulder pads in the drug store that might work. They are form fitting and you could enhance it with some sort of padding that doesn’t have the name kotex. I’m sure you will figure a way, you are a resourceful creature. Hugs or no hugs, I don’t think we change our habits after so many years of repeating the action of hugging. It’s our non verbal way of communicating. Sorry I don’t have humour today since I found too many sad stories on this blog in the last week so I’m all out of quick one liners. Guess we leave that for Mac and you of course. Hope things are better. Keep us posted. Weezie
July 25, 2008
Wes stayed with me last weekend and is here again vegging out on my couch as we speak….and he has been feeling pretty good! The effects from his chemo came on a little later than usual this time…so he wasnt feeling too good for a while…but he has prevailed. Unfortunately he wasnt feeling good last Thursday night when I invited him to go see Tony Joe White at Workplay in Bham. I went with Jo Ellen and Karen and listened to some good Louisana blues…great show!
Posted on July 25, 2008 at 11:09:29 PM by celeni (
I scream, you scream, we all scream for morphine, 1 comment)
My oldest son wanted a tattoo and he wanted me to get a matching one, so we got a set of skunks. The skunk is leaning on a “29” and holding a set of two pegs. On father’s day this year I pegged the first skunk since we got our tats. Oh buddy, I crowed like a rooster the rest of the day. Glad your having good times. Hugz
July 10, 2008
Well, Good news and not so good news.Wes went to Dr. Seigal to check on his hip…everything looked great AND the doc didnt see any other cancer lesions….Hooray! He told the doc about his shoulder seeming like it was “fused” and evidently where the tumor on his shoulder mushroomed out all of his bones are just kind of scrunched together. DOc says there is nothing they can do until he is finished with chemo. When they and do surgery they will have to rebuild or replace his shoulder blade…so in the meantime they upped the dosage on his phentanyl patch from 50 mg to 75 mg and gave hime another BIG script of morphine.
Posted on July 10, 2008 at 6:30:49 PM by celeni (
Third round of poison and update from Orthapedic Oncologist, 1 comment)
Dear Celini; You take such wonderful pictures of your handsome dude. He really is cute even with the moustache. He is one lucky guy to have you in his life. It makes it much easier knowing someone really cares about your spirit, health and well being. You know these damn drugs can really hit you down, especially the heavy pain drugs. I guess there isn’t any choice when the pain gets too great. I have heard rumblings there are some healthy concoctions at the health food stores but you need to go to one that you trust. Alternative meds are now making a new resurgence so it might be in your interest to check it out. I don’t have any names but usually if the store has the owner there, they can help you pretty much on what you would be looking for. The new shoulder blade sounds very risky and painful. Is that his only option? My lord that is a lot to ask of someone. Could a chiropractor have some thoughts on this? or accupuncture? I always feel when the Dr.’s are recommending surgery after chemo, that you are risking a lot by doing it, unless there is absolutely NO ALTERNATIVE. Just a thought. Hope you both have a chance to do something nice together, like a Spa getaway. That always helps.
July 7, 2008
 This is the 2nd week in a row that Wes has been able to come and stay with me. The last Thursday in June he gave me a buzz and asked if I felt like company, which of course I did. His brother in law was bringing him into Talladega on Firday and was going to bring him over. Infact he told me that he would probably be there before I got off work. WHen I drove down my driveway…lo and behold, there sat his motorcycle. He decided that he was going to ride his motorcycle over and leave it there, so in case he was visiting and I had something to do he wouldnt feel stranded. You Go Hon! That’s what I’m talkin about. We decided to sit out on the deck and just soak in the view of the lake. Even though the preceding days had been so hot and humid…that evening felt especially nice…the humidity was taking a rest and there was a really nice constant breeze coming off the lake. We had a good evening. My dog Red could not be torn away from his side…his friend Dave and my neighbor Rick came over and we probably laughed and talked a good couple of hours…and for those 2 hours, in my mind anyway, the cancer did not exist.  The next evening I asked him if he wanted to watch the Bucket Lsit on Pay per View. I had thought about renting it, and had made a point to ask some people who HAD seen it their opinion of me suggesting it to Wes. They said it was sad, but also funny, and very inspirational. Within 15 minutes of the movie, tears were streaming down his face. What have I done? “Baby, if this is disturbing lets not watch it”! But no, he wanted to see it. Tears would turn into laughter and back into tears again…but he did like it. He told me a couple of days later that he watched it 3 times. Did that movie make an impact on his activity level…or was this just a coincidence? The following week he would get up early, run errands, stay up the majority of the day and have long conversations with family members. Wednesday evening he called me and wanted to spend the long 4th of July weekend with me. I was tickled and was sure to remind him of all my family being down and celebrating multiple niece and nephew birthdays. He was game and was going to “hang in there” as long as he could…which ended up being 2 out of the 4 days. Cancer sucks… Those are great photos! I love those flowers in the background. Glad you got to spend some nice time together. ;-) Dear Celeni; Just read your last post as I heard the Bucket List is a must to see. I love those kind of movies so I will be sure to watch it. Your photo is lovely and it’s easy to see that you have a great bond. I will try to go back and read all your postings to get familiar with your story. Hopefully Wes will fare well these next couple of weeks with the chemo. Take care. Weezie I am glad you got to spend some time together, I know it is great to have a few hours when the cancer takes a back seat and your just a few friends chating… Cheers, Paul
June 24, 2008
Well, I didnt get to see Wes last week because I was sick as a dog and certainly didnt want to expose him to any kind of cold, germs, or funk that had evidently found me last weekend as I made my way through thousands of people at City Stages. He had his chemo last Wednesday and I am sure he is very vulnerable Until the next time, may the heavens smile upon each and everyone who is going through this.
Posted on June 24, 2008 at 9:44:49 PM by celeni (
Recooping from 2nd cancer treatment June 24th, 4 comments)
May the heavens smile upon you two as well. Sending a Big Hug! Hey Celeni (and Wes) In my prayers daily! Love and hugs, Celeni & Wes, know that you are always in our prayers. We think of you often and miss hanging out with you. We still need to get in a game of FARKLE soon. That will surely lift your spirits. Some of us are thinking of coming to take your out for an outing when you feel like you might be up to it. We love you LOTS! The Corn-Banks family.
June 20, 2008
Well, Wes went to the gall bladder doctoe last Friday and decided not to do surgery since had only one attack. THe doctor said that Wes needed to get back on his chemo and not take the risk of any type of surgery at this time…unless it was life threatening. As he was walking out Freida asked if there was something that he could take…or what kind of foods did he need to stay away from. THe doc said…oh yeah, I can write you a prescription to get rid of the “sludge” in his gall bladder. Thank goodness she asked him about it and got a prescription. SHe said, well he was a surgeon, she guessed that since he wasnt going to cut him open he was just going to walk out and go to the next patient. Sheesh. Thank goodness for the internet. It pays to do a little research yourself since it appears at times it is like pulling teeth to get info from a doctor. I guess in the “good old days” people never questioned their doctor…they just assumed that what they were told was the gospel. So Wes was back on schedule for his chemo that he had done this past Wednesday. I felt a little guilty because last weekend was my traditional “City Stages weekend with the Girls”. Me and my two best friends have been going for 12 or 13 years now. City Stages is a big music festival in downtown Birmingham. We get there on Friday evening, get a room at the Sheraton and listen to music all weekend long. Anyhow, Friday evening, I took my car in so I could go see Wes for a while and so that I could see him on Sunday on my way out. When I got there Friday night he was in his room, in the hospital bed, watching tv. I worry that he doesnt get up and about more…or that he doesnt want to go somewhere…that he doesnt want to do anything inparticular. It makes me feel like he is “wasting precious time.” He tells me that he is a simple man…and that he is a rich man. Rich in his family and friends, and simple in the fact that if there was something that he really wanted to do…that he would have already done it…that he is satisfied doing just what he is doing. I think that is as hard for me to accept as the initial diagnosis of cancer. But how would I handle it if I had a limited amount of time left on this earth? That is hard to say…and I can only imagine. Is he in pain? I ask, and he says he is sore…but I dont know what that means. Is he sore because he is so inactive? Is he sore because the cancer makes him weak? I am just trying to understand…and I guess I have to come to the realization that each individual would handle that situation the way THEY want too..not the way that others expect…or want them to handle it. So…I went off for the weekend with the girls and came back to see him on Sunday. WHen I came in I was talking about the weekend and showing pictures to his family. I went in his room and I made a comment that must have pissed him off. Right or wrong (probably wrong) he put on his shorts and came into the living room with us and we all had a pleasant afternoon, laughed, talked…he even stayed up with them while they cooked out steaks on the grill after I left. It was a good day…things almost seemed normal again. Hopefully next weekend he will be feeling good, having survived the aftermath of his chemo, and can come to my house for the weekend. God bless everyone who is battling cancer and an extra God Bless you to the families and friends. Until then!
Posted on June 20, 2008 at 4:19:58 PM by celeni (
June 10th through June 21st- getting caught up on journal, 3 comments)
The aftermath of chemo can be very trying, some days it take all of my energy just to shower and eat, it is hard to understand unless you have lived it. Be patient and just be there for him. You are wise to see that each person has to deal with this invasion in their own way and time. My wife had a very hard time understanding my response to cancer and my refusal to do some of the things she thought I should. But given time we were able to come to a place that works for us both. Prayers for you both Mac
THANK YOU for posting this journal. My husband is a cousin who has lost touch over the years with Wes. Basically we see you all the The Building once a year. We feel like we know a lot more about what is happening. You are a blessing! I am going yo hug my husband a little harder today! Love Kathy
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08.22.08 - 
Thanks for your support -
It is 3:30 in the morning here in Indiana, and reading your post has brought me full awake with amazement! You have put your finger on that small nagging feeling that I have never been able to put my finger on.
In a word YES, cancer makes me want to be invisible. Not because of the cancer but because of the response it generates. People who used to hear my voice and think of the laughs and the powerful personality and everything you described with Wes, now they hear that same voice and look at me with pity and sorrow, as if they are just waiting for me to die!
Every sneeze brings questions. Every lost or gained pound. Every up or down day. Everything is now filtered through the knowledge that I have had cancer.
I imagine Wes just wants to be Wes. Not sick Wes, not survivor Wes, not getting better or worse Wes. Just Wes, and since that is unlikely he may just want to be invisible Wes.
He is as lucky to have you as I am to have Jan. But there are still times when the sadness in her eyes kills me, even when I know she doesn’t realize it shows…
If the only options are cancer or invisible I will take invisible.
Thank you, dear lady for such marvelous insight. I am eternally grateful.
hugz
Mac
Celeni & Mac,
Oh my. I sit here with tears in my eyes. Celeni, what a treasure you are for seeing so clearly what it is like for those of us with the disease. I thought that no one could know unless they walked it themselves. You are a miracle, and Wes is so blessed. Mac, as usual you speak so eloquently, for all of us.